Look, we all love the ornery cats we rescued from alleyway dumpsters and the mutant Aussiedoodles we foraged off Craigslist. (Please adopt shelter animals, k?) Pets make us better people, ones who willingly clean up the turds of other species to reap the emotional benefits of companionship, and who are more resilient in even the darkest of hangovers, when we know that we must get up for Boris the bloodhound mix’s morning walk.
It’s our relationships with domestic animals that truly make us feel alive, vulnerable, and participatory in the great circle of life, and we wouldn’t trade it for anything. But holy moley, being covered in pet hair is so goddamn annoying that sometimes it makes one wish to do a big death-metal awoooo like this mastiff. Plus, it’s summer, which means our pets are shedding like crazy and positively fire-hosing their fur everywhere.
The fuzzy little life-ruiners we love so dearly don’t even know that every day, hundreds or perhaps thousands of their individual hairs are flying off their body and clinging to every rug, sofa, T-shirt, and pair of black pants they encounter. Sometimes, it’s tempting to just roll over and let the pet hair accumulation have its way with you. It feels futile to resist it. But friends, there is hope. Dust yourself off (literally and figuratively); you’re looking for solutions, and we’ve got them.
We’ve tried the following tools and gizmos, and they work. You will emerge back into the world a fur-free human, ready to be taken seriously in the goth club.
The FURminator rules all and judgement day is nigh.
Obviously, the first stop to not being covered in pet hair is reducing the amount of fur that’s flying around your home. Everyone who’s anyone knows that there is one ultimate tool for ridding thyself of a pet-hair maelstrom, and that is the Furminator. The before/after photos are absolutely nuts, because you’ll think you know what size your pet is, only to uncover a veritable mountain of hair in their coat after a thorough Furmination session. If you don’t want to drop almost $30 (on a tool that is definitely well worth it), there’s also a knockoff version for considerably less that works just as well—DakPets’ “FURBlaster.” Also, pets get all weirdly euphoric when you’re brushing them with one of these things, like they’re receiving a deep-tissue massage.
If you don’t already have a vacuum, it’s time for adulthood.
Alright, so supposing that some degree of animal hair is an inevitability when you have an animal living in your home, the next step is to hoover as much of that shit up as possible before it can cling to your clothes. This means purchasing a vacuum: something that doesn’t seem that fun to spend money on, but is actually a crucial tool of adulting—and surprisingly delightful to use. We like Bissell’s affordable ‘n’ tiny handheld jawn from their Pet Hair Eraser line, which is also great for suckin’ up kibble and litter detritus, but the bigger version is even more phenomenally rated and perfect for getting into couch crannies. Plus, Bissell donates a portion of sales to pet rescue-related causes, which is really nice.
If you can’t be bothered to plug something in and DIY a couple of times a week, we strongly recommend getting a robovacuum, such as a Roomba or a similar knockoff. Yes, Roombas are expensive (although knockoffs do pretty much the same thing for way less), and you may worry that the robot will become sentient and murder you. But having a floor that doesn’t leave crud all over your bare feet every time you get up for a glass of water is well worth it, and the degree to which they cut down on general free-floatin’ dog and cat hair is nuts.
This roller thing will save your entire life and all your furniture.
I’m not spending hundreds of dollars on a stupid robot vacuum, you say. Your loss, but fair. For around $25 you can pick up one of these roller things that are shockingly good at removing pet hair from furniture and rugs, in addition to being fun to use. You just run them back and forth along your cushions or what have you and they positively swallow each and every hair, leaving behind a way more aesthetically pleasing sofa. The limited-edition ChomChom roller is cute, too.
Save the sticky rollers for the car/right by the door.
When you got a dog or cat, you probably grabbed a sticky roller and thought it would be your one-stop shop for obliterating pet hair, and you were wrong. There are some things sticky rollers are not great for, such as cleaning floors and big pieces of furniture and trying to de-lint a sweater. However, they do have their strengths—keeping one right by the front door and one in the car or your office desk drawer is key. They’re the final stop, and often the most important if you’re late to a job interview or a Hinge date where you don’t want to show up looking like a Cathy comic. Combined with all of the above, sticky rollers are the cherry on the sundae.
Congrats on your new life as someone who isn’t permanently covered in pet hair. Join us.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.